Vacation

Today is my last day at work!! I told them I might come back in a couple weeks but I hope to get a Manhattan job instead. I am so looking forward to being pampered by my family for the long weekend & coming home to lots & lots of free time. I'll be able to practice, cook, exercise, read, all that great stuff... & of course, do a ton more sessions. My schedule's been so limited that I've only had one session this month! My whips need a workout. :)

Tales from the Dating Crypt

I've gone out with a good number of guys, & quite a few of them have been weird. Like this recent one. We met at a party, & he emailed me maybe a month later (!) to say hi. He also said something odd: "So I am wanting to learn more about the diva in you." ??? He's American, so it's not like he doesn't speak English well. I thought that was a bad sign, but I gave him a chance anyway. We met up for drinks on a Friday afternoon. He seemed nice & we got along pretty well. After I left, he texted that he'd wanted to kiss me. The way he said it was kinda strange but I shrugged it off again.

After a few more emails, he started flirting with me to the point where I was uncomfortable - it was just too much for people who had hung out only once. I wasn't even sure that had been a date until he said the stuff about the kiss. He started angling for punishment & requesting dirty notes, which escalated into demands for pictures of me in dominatrix gear. Then he texted me about "hooking up," which is a phrase I HATE even if we are actually having sex, & I asked him not to, & he continued using it in quotes as though he thought it was funny even though I disabused him of that notion. I stopped talking to him when he said, "either meet me this week in your dom outfit for a drink or email me a naked pic :-)" Man, guys can be freaks.

bitch

The other night on St. Mark's Place, a beggar asked me for change. I was window-shopping so I actually turned around, thinking it was someone with a legitimate question, instead of ignoring him as I normally do. I said we didn't have any change. As he walked away my friend heard him say, "Bitch." She stopped him & asked, "Why do you have to talk to my friend like that? It's so disrespectful." He pretended not to have said anything. She asked him again, so he said loudly over her further questions, "No I didn't say that, I was speaking French. Yeah I was speaking French, I was speaking French" as he walked away. It was such a bizarre reason we just let it go. I think that's the first time I've ever been called a bitch here. A quintessential Manhattan experience. Actually, sometimes I like to call myself a grade-A New York bitch so it's kind of funny.

brrrr

The giant corporation where I work at the moment is freezing cold. My fingers are so frozen I'm typing at half speed. I have no idea why they blast the AC this way - perhaps they think we're penguins & miss the Antarctic tundra. It's really not that hot outside either, certainly not today (pouring rain). I bet they could supply power to Queens & keep this place at a bearable temperature on the exact same amount of energy they're using to turn our extremities blue. Well, fortunately I get to leave in an hour.

Jonathan Franzen book-slapped

Today in the Times, Michiko Kakutani published a scathing review of Jonathan Franzen's new memoir. I didn't read The Corrections because I thought it'd be awful, so I can't comment on him as a writer, but it was so much fun to watch him get smacked around in print. He seems like a giant asshole from what I've heard, anyway. Vilifying someone in well-written prose is an art we should definitely bring back.

Donald Trump's blog

Seriously? The Donald has a blog & Page Six reads it? I think I hear the hoofbeats of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

meat... mmmmm...

The Girlfriend & I, carnivores that we are, returned to Yakiniku last night. What can I say, it was Short Rib madness night! (Actually, I believe the restaurant calls it "Let's Eat Short Rib on Monday.") It was even better this time because we paid half as much. There's just something wonderful about meat... I could never give it up. Also it's really fun to grill it ourselves. We're both a little pyro.

Crosswalk zombies

This morning as I walked to the train, I noticed that everyone kind of looked like lurching zombies when they tried to cross the street on a red light. I think it's because at that hour there are fewer cars, so we kind of creep forward one lane at a time. It reminded me very much of a scene from Shaun of the Dead when the zombies are shambling towards Shaun & his friends. Except, of course, we were shambling to a coffee cart & not making that weird moaning sound.

dark matter revisited

More info on dark matter...

Snakes on a train

This morning I was standing on the train reading when I heard what sounded like loud hissing, until I figured out it was a lot of s sounds with the rest of the words barely subvocalized. I looked around but no one's lips were moving. Finally I saw that it was the guy sitting in front of me reading to himself. I stared at him in disbelief for a while, because it was so goddamn loud & really seemed like it was coming from a giant snake 3 feet to my left in the middle of the train. Maybe he was an amateur ventriloquist. It was so disturbing, everyone would glare at him, look away in disgust, & look again as it continued relentlessly. Some of us even made eye contact over the strangeness of the situation. At the next stop, a seat opened up next to him. I had a lot of stuff so I sat down. After another 3 minutes of this crap, I tapped his shoulder & said, as nicely as possible, "Could you please read silently to yourself? Thanks." He nodded very fast, all twitchy & weird, but was much quieter for the rest of the ride. Before I became a dominatrix, I would never have had the guts to say something, & maybe it sounds a little bitchy, but it was absolutely intolerable. Especially at 7am.

Oddly enough, the same sort of thing happened on the PATH train. I sat quietly minding my own business, & this guy stood in front of me hissing. I don't know if maybe he was trying to get my attention. He seemed a little slow, so I didn't say anything. It was so bizarre. He stood there for 20 minutes going, "Ssss ssss..." I would almost rather have been traveling with lethal snakes, all this nonsense was so annoying.

shoe fetish

Here's something I really, really like about being a dominatrix: my clients/slaves sometimes buy me shoes. Ridiculously expensive shoes. I have a serious shoe fetish & not much money, so this is a perfect arrangement. As a fairly new domme, I haven't built up my shoe collection that much yet, but I can credit a pair of furry boots & leopard-print Jimmy Choo stilettos to my job. There's nothing better than being presented with beautiful shoes & having my feet worshipped. My favorite footslave is bringing me Louboutins next time... I can't wait!

Forbes woman-baiting

I know everyone's already flogged this dead horse to pieces, but as a "career woman" by Michael Noer's definition, I'm putting in my 2 cents of protest. (If you haven't read the articles, Gawker has found non-Forbes links here. Let's not increase Forbes traffic.) From a scientific standpoint, his conclusions are nonsense. He looks at all the data as though the men's behavior isn't a variable along with the women's. Almost every sentence in that article is skewed or nonsensical. One of the most glaringly stupid statements is that "working outside the home actually increases marital stability, at least when the marriage is a happy one. But even in these studies, wives' employment does correlate positively to divorce rates, when the marriage is of 'low marital quality.'" So - basically, divorce is correlated to whether a marriage is happy or not. Wow, what a newsflash. How did he get "don't marry career women" from that?

The best part is his definition of marriage-killing harpy as one who works more than 35 hours a week & makes more than $30,000 a year. So guys should stay away from most of the women in Manhattan? By his illogic, marrying a golddigger who does nothing but shop & party on other people's money will make a better wife than a woman who has her own career & interests & can help support the family. That's brilliant. & the unspoken assumption of the entire article is that men are doing it right but these educated bitches are fucking it up. Maybe if husbands helped out around the house, took care of the kids sometimes & made sure to demonstrate their love to their wives, marriages would last longer.

This dumbass seems to have issues with strong, successful women. My guess is he's actually very attracted to them but he can't admit it to himself, so he lashes out this way as camouflage. Maybe he just needs to see how much fun it can be... I'm going to keep a picture of him on my computer in case he ever comes to the dungeon. I hope he asks for heavy corporal punishment so I can beat his sorry little ass black & blue.

Anyway, it's almost time to leave work (oh no! maybe I should go back to starving idly so I can snag a lazy-ass husband!) so I'll leave additional criticism to more qualified people.

Update: there is a rebuttal in book form coming out next year.

crazy Wednesday night

Most nights I go straight home after work & practice until 10pm. Wednesday night I was kind of down so I decided to have dinner with the Girlfriend instead. We had so much fun! We had Japanese barbecue at Yakiniku on 9th Street - heaven for us two carnivores. We got 5 plates (!!!) of steak & short ribs to grill & lots of sake. Then we wandered over to what used to be Lucky Stiff's because I knew someone who worked there, except now it's a very very gay bar with strippers & porn called BoysRoom. It was hilarious - we saw some cute boys standing outside in their briefs & wondered what the hell was going on until they came in & started humping the stripper poles. The funniest part was this song that came on, with a chorus of "It's all over your face, how do you like the taste!"

The gay boys weren't into us shaking our booties in their bar so we went to 7A for several more cocktails & a very yummy waffle... we finally left around 4, & as we got to the GF's place, we ran into Bill Murray's son & his girlfriend in the bar next door. They're nice. I stayed at GF's apt since I had work in a couple hours... I fell asleep around 4:30, & dragged my ass up at 7. I'm still surprised I managed to wake up & get to work. Of course I spent the whole day trying not to fall asleep on my computer but I did make it in.

Pluto now just a dwarf planet

Pluto's been demoted - I guess it was too small to make the cut. BBC has details, I'm too tired to summarize.

The Girlfriend's email this morning:
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I got chased by these dudes, and they were blocking me from getting away. They seemed to think it was funny how I was trying to get away from them and they were almost toying with me in not letting me go, like making it into a game. Not funny at all. Immediately after I got away, almost the same thing happened with another nasty guy.
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She was en route to her apartment in the East Village last night. Not the projects, not the Bronx or anywhere with a reputation for scary happenings. What are guys trying to accomplish with this behavior? It's like when they yell & whistle on the street - do they think girls are going to walk over & say, "Wow you make me so hot. Let's go fuck on that trash can over there." In this case it was much worse, because they were physically menacing her. She is the strongest, toughest, most together woman I know & it only took a couple minutes of this to make her feel completely unconfident & vulnerable.

Western civilization has come a long way & I'm grateful I don't live under a burka in a fundamentalist Islamic country. But I hate that women still have to put up with this kind of crap every day. I would like to be able to walk down the street without carefully averting my eyes from all men, without thinking "oh no, my pants might be too tight or my skirt too short"... I have no defense against comments, leers & the like. I can't fight back or argue if I don't want to be assaulted. Guys: I understand that you like to look. That's perfectly fine. Just please, please stop doing things you'd kill other men for inflicting on your sisters or mothers. It's not enough that you have more money, power, options & all the rest of it - you have to scare us in our own neighborhoods, forcing us to replay every abusive situation or relationship we've ever been in, frightened that it's going to happen again. Please grow up.

friendly people rock

Sometimes NYC can seem like the coldest, loneliest place on earth - & sometimes I want to run around & hug everyone. Last Friday I had one of those happy moments. I was in Grand Central walking to the train, listening to Tchaikovsky concerto & "playing" along with my left hand on an imaginary violin. As I walked by this woman, she looked at my speedy fingers & said, "Wow your fingers are so fast!" She had the friendliest smile on her face - she wasn't making fun of me, she wasn't telling me I was weird, her happiness was just overflowing onto me. I could be wrong, since all this happened in about 2 seconds, but she brightened the rest of my night with that one smile.

La Traviata in the park

Last night I went to the Met's free performance on the Great Lawn. I love opera (though I'm not that kind of singer) & I rarely get to indulge because ticket prices are too high, so this was really wonderful. My friend brought sushi, pinot grigio & lawn chairs so we had a great time. I am forced to listen to crappy pop music so much that the pitch-perfect, lyrical arias were a welcome shock. I completely forgot that that's what real singing sounds like. It was also great that Violetta & Alfredo were Korean instead of white as usual. I love when Asian people are part of things without being an ethnic stereotype - they're in the part because they happen to rock. & surprisingly, the lawn was entirely packed. I'm talking people bumping into my hair because there was so little room to maneuver. It made me so happy, knowing lots of people still love classical music & it isn't dying of neglect, just pricing itself out of business.

They're doing Rigoletto tonight, 8pm, check it out. Don't drink too much unless you want to wait in a very looooong line at the Porta-Potties.

Be quiet!!!

There are some crazy people at my job - not in-your-face crazy, they seem normal & then morph into weirdness. One woman in particular will not shut up. She sits there mumbling or humming to herself sometimes, which is pretty bad, & a lot of the time she is on the phone. It's a quiet room so we can all hear her inane conversations. She also asks idiotic questions about the docs we review - something that's obviously non-responsive, she'll ask loudly & long-windedly about anyway. At first I was able to tune her out but now my patience is fraying. I want to kill her. Or gag her, except then she could still hum.

Another woman is pretty quiet until you say something to her. Then, if you said "A", she would say something possibly touching on A but going off towards, say, P by way of W. Every time she does I look at her, puzzled, wondering how it has anything to do with the topic. Usually her take on it is negative & incorrect, too. & she won't stop talking. I would give you an example except my mind immediately blocks out the specifics, in an attempt to save my sanity.

The third crazy also won't shut up. She's not quite as off the wall as the other two, but she definitely doesn't know when she's made her point. & she's superficially sentimental & illogical in a way that makes me violent. For instance, we were talking about that alleged JonBenet killer, & she said, "It couldn't be the parents, it's so terrible to do something like that to a child! They couldn't do that to their own little girl. She was so adorable, the parents couldn't possibly hurt her." On & on until I finally reminded her that parents are people who can have problems just like everyone else & there are lots of examples of parents abusing their own children.

This is the zoo where I work. I should really be quiet & grateful that I have a job, but I don't think I can endure much more. Fortunately I'm going to take a break for at least two weeks in September. Wish me luck!

The House of Mirth

I just finished this book today. It was very good, but also frightening. The heroine, Lily Bart, is a well-bred young lady trying to stay in early 1900s New York high society though she doesn't have enough money. She needs to marry well, but every time a man looks all set to propose, she can't follow through. She doesn't really know why, just that it feels vaguely distasteful & she shrinks away at the last minute, despite working hard to line up all the ducks initially. As she gets older, it's harder & harder to maintain her position without money & a husband. I identified with her so much, the way she knew she was better than all that but it was the only world she knew, & she was forced to compromise - not her morals exactly, maybe her honor & independence. I don't have to marry or sleep with money, but like everyone else I've thought about how much easier my life would be if I could. We are so lucky to live in a time when women can work & be independent. Though we still don't get paid equal to men, at least we have options.

I also finished Cyteen over the weekend. The ending was a bit abrupt, & in general it was a little difficult, but it's an engrossing story with a lot of insights into how people react to different behavior. I definitely recommend both books.

Dark matter is real!

This is incredible - dark matter is really out there! I don't understand all the reasons scientists have inferred this, but as far as I can make out, they can tell because two galaxies have collided & swept away the usual debris of ordinary matter. Usually their gravitational fields would point at all the matter, ordinary & dark, which doesn't answer any questions, but now that the ordinary matter is out of the way, & the field is still pointing at something, it must be the dark matter. (See here & here for much better explanations.) I love that despite the complete nonsense many people believe in, such as creationism, intelligent design, geocentrism, etc., there are still scientists out there trying to find the truth. Now, if they could just explain it in a way that sticks in my brain. :)

the cloud descends...

I can feel myself getting depressed again. It seems to be a combination of overwork, lack of sleep & stress, so at least it's not as reasonless as before, but that doesn't make me feel any better. It's like watching the color slowly leach out of the world, so gradually that I almost don't notice, until I look around & everything is grey. Being aware of the decline doesn't really help. I can't just tell myself to stop feeling hopeless & despairing. That's the thing with depression. There's no logic. I know objectively that I have a pretty good life, & I still feel listless & sad all the time. I'm trying to keep myself busy with practicing & work & no self-pity.

I think part of the problem is that I was with a man for a long time & I allowed him to become the center of my universe as well as my schedule. When I left him 2 months ago, I suddenly had to amuse myself & create my own sense of self-worth outside of him. It didn't help that I became so frightened of men that dating was more scary than fun. If I'd been able to jump into another relationship I probably wouldn't be floundering as much, but I have to admit it's good to scrutinize myself critically without distractions. Very uncomfortable, but I think I'll be a better person for it.

Oddly enough, I feel happier after writing this. I guess reasoning through why I'm depressed is clearing the clouds away. They thrive on obscurity & ill-defined feelings & putting them under a microscope shows them for the nothings they are. Let's hope this feeling stays.

SNAKES!!!!

Yesterday I saw Snakes on a Plane! I was totally excited about it & it didn't disappoint. It's not as funny as the ads make it look - it's actually really scary & gory & horrifying in places. Some parts are a little overacted & there are definitely plot points that don't make sense, but it was a very fun movie. There are lots of beautiful snakes & some hot guys, as well as Samuel L. Jackson being his usual badass in-control self. Overall, thoroughly enjoyable.

flaky people

This afternoon I got a call from the studio (that's the dungeon downtown where I rent space) that someone wanted a session at 6. She said he'd asked if I had a fur coat - I laughed out loud & said, "If I had a fur coat, I wouldn't need to be a domme, not to mention it's August!" I had to get on the train before knowing if he'd confirmed the session or not. I checked with the studio right before I got on & the receptionist told me someone else wanted to schedule too, so I figured I'd have a session either way. Unfortunately, no one called back so I made the trip for nothing. Although I had a very nice chat with the receptionist. I hate when people are flaky. You'd think they'd be too submissive to pull this kind of crap but it happens pretty often. Oh well. I think I'll practice & try to cheer myself up.

One thing I don't like about being a domme is the misconceptions. When I tell people about it, they invariably think that my job is beating men up. No, my job is to play psychological games. My clients want to be dominated & humiliated, & physical pain is only part of teaching submission. I have to set up the situation so that he feels completely out of control & at my mercy. It requires me to read his mind, know how much he can take & how far I can push his limits. Anyone can learn how to wield a flogger - getting into someone's head is a lot harder, although it's also much more rewarding.

fun experiment

I am so bored here I'm dozing off in front of the computer. Join me in my drowsiness, won't you? Read entries here* (unless you are a string theorist), & soon we will all be doing the nod-&-jerk!!
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*Note: I think string theory, & physics in general, is fascinating. However, that blog is almost incomprehensible to me. Even as I try to understand all the unfamiliar terms my consciousness skates away... For an easier way to learn about it, try Brian Greene's Elegant Universe.

thank god the Adderall kicked in...

because the program we use at work to review docs is half-frozen & therefore we have very little to do. I think I'll take advantage of the enforced break to rave about a book I'm reading: Cyteen, by C.J. Cherryh. When I started it I found it difficult & kind of slow but it's such a sci-fi classic I gave it 50 pages to get good, & boy did it. These are my impressions after reading about 1/3 of the book.

It's about humanity a few hundred years from now, when we've colonized a couple other planets. We understand so much about humans that we can play with their genes, keep them alive an extra 50-100 years, & fix psychological issues by directly instructing the mind, among other advances. Now the woman, Ariane, who pioneered many of the psychological developments & pretty much rules the planet Cyteen where she lives, starts a project to clone herself, which will essentially give her a daughter since she's 132 years old. Before it gets going, she's murdered. Her successors change the plan & decide to make the clone exactly like her, so they have to replicate her childhood exactly. It's fascinating to watch this poor girl grow up completely in the dark while everyone else knows why such bewildering things happen (e.g., several people died in Ariane's childhood so people keep disappearing from the new Ari's life). Also, Ariane was so feared & powerful & brilliant that I can already see the maneuverings & emotions swirling around little Ari. The best part is that she is so smart & perceptive, she can see it as well. When she manipulates a roomful of adults into having fun at her 7th birthday party instead of concentrating on their political intrigues I was blown away.

The other book I'm reading is House of Morgan, by Ron Chernow. The subject is interesting but he needs a good editor. The book is over 700 pages long! There is too much extraneous information, considering how much on-point material there is to cover. Also, I've never seen anyone use the word spike so many times. He uses it to mean nix, which is a new definition to me, & every time he means that he says spike & it's distracting. FDR spiked this project. Jack Morgan spiked that loan. I keep thinking these guys are having some stiff drinks & then I remember no, Chernow's just weird about that word. Fortunately I'm almost done with it.

This has been your bookaholic broadcast of the day. Please tune in tomorrow for more exciting developments in Cyteen!

Welcome to my world

I had the best drink ever the other day. The Girlfriend & I got mango mojitos at Yuca on 7th & A. I normally don't like mojitos, what with all the crushed leaves, but this drink was amazing! It was the best mango product I have ever tasted. Now go forth & pester your local bartender for alcoholic mango goodness. :)

In other news... Pluto is a planet! & so are 3 more, bringing the total to 12. The International Astronomical Union has decided what constitutes a planet. It must: be big enough that its gravity makes it round, orbit a star, & not be a star or a planet's satellite. The largest asteroid, Ceres, between Mars & Jupiter; Pluto's erstwhile moon Charon; & another object even further out, nicknamed Xena, also make the cut. (Charon & Pluto are now considered a double planet because they basically revolve around each other.) Check here for updates.

Feel free to leave encouraging comments & pass this blog along to your friends!