Tuesday, August 22, 2006

the cloud descends...

I can feel myself getting depressed again. It seems to be a combination of overwork, lack of sleep & stress, so at least it's not as reasonless as before, but that doesn't make me feel any better. It's like watching the color slowly leach out of the world, so gradually that I almost don't notice, until I look around & everything is grey. Being aware of the decline doesn't really help. I can't just tell myself to stop feeling hopeless & despairing. That's the thing with depression. There's no logic. I know objectively that I have a pretty good life, & I still feel listless & sad all the time. I'm trying to keep myself busy with practicing & work & no self-pity.

I think part of the problem is that I was with a man for a long time & I allowed him to become the center of my universe as well as my schedule. When I left him 2 months ago, I suddenly had to amuse myself & create my own sense of self-worth outside of him. It didn't help that I became so frightened of men that dating was more scary than fun. If I'd been able to jump into another relationship I probably wouldn't be floundering as much, but I have to admit it's good to scrutinize myself critically without distractions. Very uncomfortable, but I think I'll be a better person for it.

Oddly enough, I feel happier after writing this. I guess reasoning through why I'm depressed is clearing the clouds away. They thrive on obscurity & ill-defined feelings & putting them under a microscope shows them for the nothings they are. Let's hope this feeling stays.

1 comment:

eileencallen said...

Talking these kind of feelings through, especially when you write them out, always makes me feel immediately better also. I have also found that writing insane comedic ramblings that make me crack myself up (e.g. DOUCHE) are exceptionally effective as well. Glad you're feeling better honey!!